January 12th /05
Wow, looking back on stuff that i've written (I know it's not alot but still) I make myself look like an idiot... lol,
I bitch too much, anyways, I'm slowly doing things with my website again, so have patience to those who go to it.
Hey... things are starting to look up!
Well the last couple of days have just been hard. I know I shouldn't think what I do, or feel what
I do, but I do. I can't help it, nothing in my heart has changed, I feel like i'm trapped in the past or something. I don't
know what I should do, but I guess I'll just keep doing what I always do, bottle my feelings up inside and only let Gym know
how I really feel... even then not letting him in enough to tell him everything. I don't know... I just don't...
Holy Shit... I'm more confused now then i usually am... I hate myself sometimes... it's really annoying
because i don't know what to do, and what i want to do i know i can't. It's a brutal process. I feel alone right now, I know
I'm not, but it's hard to not feel alone when stuff like this is happening. That and someone's leaving, and I don't want them
to.but like it or not they're going and i can't do anything about that either. It seems i have no control over anything that
I do or happens lately... and it sucks because I feel like just sitting down and crying until I can't cry anymore. But I can't
do that because if I cry, it shows weakness, it means that I'm vunerable, and not that I'm already vunerable, but even worse
then before. And it's hard because nobody fully understands where i'm coming from on this, I'm sure there's SOMEONE out there
with the same problems, but then they would just be an exact copy of me, and even then, would probably have no idea how to
fix it. And it's even worse because my friends don't help, and the ones that can I can't talk to. I don't want anyone mad
at me, and I'm sure if i say something to someone that someone's going to end up mad or upset or almost as confused as me...
Wow... I need to get this crap off my chest, but nobody listens, and the people who do... well I just can't talk to them about
Later that day....
Yeah yeah I know that I haven't been updating my site for
a while, even though it doesn't matter anyway, cause nobody comes to this crap anymore anyway... oh well... I'll do it for
my own amusement I guess. Anyways.. to my new venting... there is WAY too much going on right now, and it's annoying the hell
out of me cause I can't decide what to do, if I did, then I wouldn't have to have this stupid thoughts page. I can't figure
things out on my own, I need help deciding things, and not nessicarily help from my friends or family, I think I just need
to sit down and talk to a total stranger, or at least one of the people who are messing me up this bad, but then again
I wouldn't know what to say to them if I did get the chance to talk to them. What would I say? it's hard to figure out, even
for me. But I'm sure I've said that I can't figure out shit all by myself. I swear to god I'm going crazy, or at least the
bad crazy. Anyways, my teacher is walking around, so I'm gettin off this. And don't worry those of you who DO look at this,
I'll update soon I promise.
Fucking right... the manson concert, i better release some fucking emotions out at that concert,
if i don't, i will be even more pissed off then i usually am... well on the inside anyway. fuck fuck fuck... lol... and i'm
sore from the concert last night! i was fucking bit! someone bit my shoulder in the mosh pit!... i think that's funny... oh
well... anyways, i'm gonna go write some poems or something...
I'm all pissed off... Getting punched in the face and not doing anything about it really does wonders
to your self esteem... Plus the fact that your head is really fucked up about different things, and having your brains rattled
in a fight doesn't help, and I did it all to save my little brother from getting HIS ass kicked! And feelings that are re-surfacing...
ah shit, fucking feelings, why can't I just turn them off? It would be so much easier for me, then I could just be cold
and heartless... but then again, most guys are cold and heartless, and I'm not ending up like everyother guy, even if I have
to be locked away so that I don't have to be seen anymore, but my feelings are annoying, and so is the pain on the outside
and inside of my head.
Today was nice, i hung out with some old friends, got to hear black rainbow, 13 stitches, and innocence
failed all in the same night, and i liked how i looked... plus i let out some anger in the mosh pit, which i've been meaning
to let out, it's not easy releasing emotions that could get you in trouble, or that would make you say something that you
might regret later... anyways, august 1st: good day.
AHH! i'm a fucking loser! why would i do something so bad that risks losing friends? i need
all i can get... cause i'm a fucking idiot, but i seem to screw it up, don't i? i don't blame anyone, except myself, cause
everything's always my fault, so why at least blame myself, right? oh fuck, whatever...
Today FUCKING SUCKED!
Well... i DID have a good thing going... and I screwed it up
again, why is it that everytime something good happens to me, i do something to fuck it up? I knew it wouldn't happen
as long as i'd hoped, and it's all cause of past feelings! FUCK! why can't i just get over it? is it because of love? or just
plain fucking stupidity? I think it's the second one, cause i just seem to be getting dumber and dumber lately... honestly,
i can't speak right anymore, and i can't even type normally... but... the big thing in this one is that i hate myself, and
i should be locked away from all humanity... that would just do everyone a HUGE favor...
I'm in the middle of writing a new poem, so now i'm all pissed off and depressed, but really i don't
have a reason to be! well i guess i do... but it's so hard. It makes me mad sometimes, fuck... i do this to myself so often,
and for what? someone to say "what's wrong wes?" like holy shit... i'm such a fucking loser.
Well... today was just fucking awkward... too much emotion released... AHHH... fuck! I talked
too much today, and now I'm worried about regretting it... shit... oh well... you must take responsibility for your actions...
right? ha funny... anyways... Happy Birthday Autumn!
Holy FUCK!!!! God DAmn Mother Fucking Stupid SHit-head Cunt licking Ass munchers!! Who gave power
to stupid people and why do they abuse it!?!?! FUCK!
... sorry people... I just felt like yelling a bunch of swear words and blaming stupid people on
(p.s.. birthday in less then a week...)
Well... for once in a long time, I had a good day. It seems like I have been doing all right for
myself the last couple days, but today imparticular. I actually went through and did what I've been planning on doing for
a long time, and I liked it alot. Then, I was taken out to eat with my family, and not like McDonald's or something like that,
we went to the Empress of China, I had a good meal, then my mom agreed to let me and Andrew go see Matrix Reloaded. Which
I had approx. 34 orgasms. So today I had a good day, and I found out how hot Wasabi is, and I pity Steve-O... i really do...
Today... I can't believe what I found out, it saddens and angers
me... why couldn't I have just been told earlier? then I couldv'e tried to just move on... but no, I had to stay on, believing
everything will be fine eventually... HAHA that's fucking funny, I know whoever reads this and figures out what I'm talking
about will laugh, because I'm just the humor of everyone aren't I? peoples little toy to be amused by, the pain and anger
that grows inside of me is funny isn't it? it fucking pisses me off more when you fucking people laugh at me. especailly when
I'm going through something as bad as this right now. Lonliness is eating away at me, and all people do is think how funny
it is. But going a little off topic... I'm back to being depressed for other reasons now, and IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT AGAIN!
why is it always my fault? why can't it be someone else's for a change? nah, that's not how things work I guess... see I figured
it all out... I end up happy for a couple months (even that's pushing it) and then I do something to fuck it up, it's how
my life works, I'll always just be a big fuck-up won't I? Ah... venting... I love it, now if I could just punch something...